"I'm like Tinkerbell, Finn! NEED APPLAUSE TO LIVE!!" Rachel Berry [Glee]

So, I'm starting to feel disappointed in my summer, and yes, I know that's entirely my doing. But honestly, sometimes I want to go out, but I just - I get this sickly feeling in the pit of my stomach that's somehow related to deeply engrained need I have for attention.

But the thing about attention is that it's so contradictory. It's almost like I have my days when I crave it, but simultaneously just want to be a hermit and stay home with my Madre. UGH the human brain is an interesting thing. I have such a hard time getting out there to socialize. Like, once I'm in the social situation I'm usually fine, it's just getting me there that is the issue. Man oh man.

Also, something not so new to me is that I stress easy. Especially when there are like a gazillion things that I want to do, timeframe in which to do them, but don't plan them. It terrifies me that they will never get done and I'll just work at B&BW 30 hours a week and have another uneventful summer.

FOR EXAMPLE. Maddy and I want to go to NYC. As a theater major the fact that I've never been there really makes me feel like a failure. It's one of those facts that I tend to hide about my self, you know, like if you're a guy and you like the Jonas Brothers of HSM :) But the whole planning, money raising, planning aspect of the whole thing is stressing me out. Part of me just wants to say screw it, let's go to Charleston or Florida or something and just chill on the beach. Cause I love doing that too - but there are not beach-y beaches in NYC so that's yet another decision I have to make.

UGH I NEED AN EVENT PLANNER!!!! but alas - that too costs money. Which I'm slowly earning. You know, if I just got cast as the star of a major motion picture this all would be solved.

A whole new set of problems would crop up then, but it'd be a change of pace at least. Ha.

You know what I really need to do?

scream.